just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We were destined to go to rehab together
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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