This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
