I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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