What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
