Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
