I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
