Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist