I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom