there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
