Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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