Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
