Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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