He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
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you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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