just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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