you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
