after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
this boner is exhausting
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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