Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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