My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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