that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just invented taco cereal.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
