Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
