we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize