I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
