I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
