i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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