apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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