Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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