I haven't been this sober since birth.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
