You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Couch. On fire.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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