you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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