I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
