i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal