I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.