i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
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Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me