Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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