saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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