the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
