You just made me feel so damn special
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
