K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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