I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
