I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Who died my cat blue again?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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