I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
