I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am available for nakedness
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize