You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
