my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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