I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
