The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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