Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
