I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I don't deserve a penis
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
