why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
