As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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