just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
