Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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