i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
