Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
