her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
