Cold hands, warm shart.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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