But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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