Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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