an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
