I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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