Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
