my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
