Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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