Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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