I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
